


My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars

by lovely_anthm



Category: Mitski - Fandom, Original Work, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Manipulation, F/M, Grooming, Guilt, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Inspired by Real Events, Inspired by a Mitski Song, New York City, Older Man/Younger Woman, Real Life, Reality, Students, Subways, Teacher-Student Relationship, Title from a Mitski Song, Trains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-19 06:55:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29622354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovely_anthm/pseuds/lovely_anthm
Summary: Inspired by and containing lyrics from Mitski's song, "My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars." A very short story about a girl's journey to meet the tutor who groomed her, and her thoughts along the way. Based on true events.
Relationships: older man - Relationship
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	My Body's Made of Crushed Little Stars

**Author's Note:**

> This is my very first post, so please be nice! I know this site is mainly for fanfics, but I love the community and wanted to share my work. I didn't write this with the intent of showing other people, so you might understand this better if you listen to Mitski's song. 
> 
> My piece is about the unhealthy dynamic I had with a much older person in my life whom I saw regularly from the ages 12-15. This is in the perspective of my future self, when I graduate high school and turn 18. While this exact interaction didn’t happen in real life, I think it captures a lot of the mixed emotions I had.

_ I’m not doing anything _

_ I’m not doing anything  _

I catch my racing reflection in a glass building as the train hurtles above ground. I can only make out the light blue of my jacket before the windows fog up. It took all morning to choose my outfit.

_ My body’s made of crushed little stars _

_ And I’m not doing anything _

Mitski’s quiet fervor is overwhelming. I pause the music on my phone but she keeps singing between my ears.

_ I wanna see the whole world _

_ I wanna see the whole world _

I look through the clouded windows at the vague outlines of buildings that pass by. The train slows to a halt at the next station. One more until his stop. 

“The building next to the bookstore,” he said. “You should come over.” The calculated playfulness in his eyes. He always tells me intimate things in a humorous tone, daring me to misinterpret his seemingly careless remarks.

I wish he were joking this time. When I get to his house, I’ll see the confusion on his face and realize that I’d never been invited. I’ll go home and take off my white button-down and he’ll want nothing more to do with me. 

I fill myself with these empty assurances, yet I keep imagining his face lighting up at the sight of me. He’ll say my name the way he always does, gently, as if pleasantly surprised.

The train lurches back into motion. I feel the entire subway being pulled along the tracks by his anticipation. 

_ I don't know how I'm gonna pay rent _

_ I wanna see the whole world _

His station rolls into view. The subway doors open. 

I should have thrown myself in front of this train instead of boarding it. I’d rather be run over by the blinding headlights than look into his eyes and understand why I came here.

My legs unfold and steer me out of the train, down the stairs, through the exit and I realize that Mitski’s voice has gone quiet.

**Author's Note:**

> I would be really surprised if anyone actually sees this, but thanks so much for reading!
> 
> My writing has LOTS of room for improvement so please feel free to leave comments or constructive critiques.
> 
> Here are some of the things I need advice on:  
> I know my word choice and sentence structure is awkward in several lines, especially the sentence beginning with "I should have thrown myself..."  
> I'm also wondering if my sentences were too terse throughout the piece. Any tips for how to most authentically convey emotions? And is my tone too dramatic? 
> 
> Have a great day! :)


End file.
